When Everything Looks Fine.

Last night, I had a dream.

I had a dream that my little sister, 13 years old, was suicidal. She was carving out in the wall that separated our two rooms (her bedroom and mine), a suicide note. I distinctly remember seeing giant block letters coming through the wall on my side, backwards and was frightened. I ran to her room where she had a knife in hand, carving on the white chalky wall.

I don’t know what happened next but I know for a fact I embraced her and reminded her of her worth; made her promise not to do anything rash.

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The morning I woke up was a Tuesday. I knew this because she mentioned to me the day before she was competing in track and field and made it to regional’s. She said she would probably come in last and had a sour, unconfident feeling about the whole trip; she considered not going. I remember at her age being insecure about my athletic abilities and social circle as well. Being emotionally vulnerable like that opens up a can of worms that can make or break your confidence. I don’t know where the inspiration came from, but as I was running that morning it dawned upon me to call mom.

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I told her when M comes back from school that day to be extra kind to her. Make her feel extra special, extra pampered–just extra. She must’ve thought I was crazy, but she did do it. That night, she texted me to say that M was totally fine and that I was being extra. I texted back:

“She may seem fine, but insecurities are invisible. Mental health is invisible, unlike physical injury. It’s a good thing I told you to be extra nice to her today, because she might have been upset if you didn’t try.

Sometimes, you are given a sign from the universe to do something, or keep in mind something before something bad happens. And so you don’t see the bad things happen because you know. This is exactly what happened.

Preventative measures! Also keep in mind that you never knew that I had anxiety and even I didn’t know. I struggle with anxiety and depression because everything seems fine on the outside. That’s the thing! Because when everything looks fine, you think that person is fine. And sometimes when something looks wrong, things are are not necessarily wrong but perfectly fine. Does that make sense?”

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Hello, m'fitties. Yesterday I melted into a pool of loneliness. Thoughts welled in my head and uninvitedly, pestered me about the future. What am I going to Do? Will I find a job I love that pays enough to sustain me? When will I find my soul tribe? Why am I losing things? How will I gather my business team? Why am I so _____? Negativity spirals more negativity, but eventually i got on my yoga mat. After 90 minutes of a tear-stained practice, I meditated. And breathed in every beautifully broken at this moment. Which isn't so broken. I need to gather myself. Something wonderful is coming. I may go on a hiatus off from all social media for a while; but I send you all my love and blessings.

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When everything looks fine, you think that person is fine. And sometimes when something looks wrong, things are are not necessarily wrong but perfectly fine.

I love my sister dearly. I’m glad I did what I did.

What was the last gut feeling you had? What did it tell you to do?