Something I never got to share over December, I’m going to share now:
Because of this…
Honesty time. The last couple of days have been really tough. Ive been bloated, tired, heavy, ive gained weight, and gotten weaker. I've been up and down in terms of fitness, and what I've come to realize is that it's a direct reflection of where I am at in life too. Mentally, I've been stressed and beating myself up. I've been turning back into old, binge eating habits, self sabotaging, letting myself spend tons of money with impulsive decisions, and shamefully, a lot of it has been on junk food. (Damn you, 50%dominos pizza). I try to study but all I can feel is anxiety, shame, guilt, and anticipation for upcoming demands from work, from school, and…myself. Today I pulled myself together and decided to dedicate the next 30 minutes–30 MINUTES OF 24 HOURS of life, to something good. I took my anxiety out into a run this morning INSTEAD of movies, INSTEAD of junk food, which I so strongly wanted to do. It took a one of willpower to do this, and low and behold, I've never felt so alive! Even if the rest of the day turns to shit and i binge, spend $500 on pizza and cry and procrastinate on exam study, those 30 minutes of my life this morning was AWESOME. And it's all about small steps and recognizing what you CAN do. If you can't handle the day and feel like your body weighs a million pounds upon waking up that morning, tell yourself to make the next 20, 15, even 5 MINUTES doing SOMETHING that makes you feel good, even if you don't want to do it. I highly recommend you get outside and exercise, no matter how short the session. If I can do it, so can you. • •• ••• #strongereveryday #progress #bbgprogress #BED #bingeeatingdisorder #BEDrecovery #bingeeating #bingeeatingdisorderrecovery #overeating #emotionaleating #stresseating #progressnotperfection #abs #girlswithabs #felloffthewagon #lostmotivation #motivation #fitnessmotivation #stress #anxiety #bingeeater #bodypositivity #binge #guilt #binged #honestyhour #honestupdate #weightgain
Around the same time in 2015 I went through a distressing period too with binge eating, but this last December it was much better than it had been in the past.
At some point everything caught up with me, and I went to see counselling services on campus. They are free to students–well, I paid for it in my tuition, so I might as well make use of it–and I’m a big fan of therapy and have always thought about going since summer of 2016.
Why was I going? Just because I know it’d be good for me. If you were offered a free, health-boosting treatment (haha, like exercise!) that you’d enjoy, wouldn’t you do it? Why WOULDN’T you do it?
I believe that you don’t have to have a diagnosis, or a serious disorder to have someone to talk to. We are human beings. We want to be understood. In fact, I would argue that those not attending some sort of therapeutic session are the ones missing out; I think the average person could benefit so much from some sort of wellness coaching.
So sometime early November, I went in for an intake appointment. I went through registration, questionnaires, and a recorded interview with an intake specialist to determine what would be the best service for me. They have group sessions, themed sessions, and private one on one sessions, and the last one is what I asked for. I crave the intimate connection (maybe because I’m a Taurus and I’m super deep?). In a survey of questions, they asked me what I hoped to gain out of therapy and I said stress management and just to have someone to talk to. I often in life wish I had someone like myself, for myself because I know exactly the type of person I need.
3 weeks later, I followed up in an email and they set me up with a counselor. The reason why it took so long was because I had limited availability. My first appointment was the last week of November and his name was…let’s call him Jo.
I wasn’t completely opposed to the idea of a male counselor–any counselor would do and I’d like to work with a variety of different persons, but I did specifically hope to get a female for that girl-girl connection.
My first appointment with Jo went really well. I cried.
I also cried the second time I went to see him. And the third. and fourth.
It. Felt. So. Good. Ohmygod.
I want to cry at every session, otherwise, I feel like it was a waste of time. I go to therapy to release catharsis. Crying gets so much out like exercise–it’s like purging away the negative, pent up emotions. Sometimes I didn’t know know I was holding that much in me!
Catharsis: the purification and purgation of emotions—especially pity and fear—through art or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration.
We talked about why I feel like I’m not good enough, the abusive relationship I have with my parents, the bullying in grade school, expectations, being lonely and negative thinking. It feels so good to be acknowledged.
This was the list of everything I wish I had from my mother growing up. He told me to write it out and I did. I felt so calm after this session, I was able to eat my snack really slowly, and I mean really slowly–being in tune with everything around me. I never eat slow–I always eat distractedly, in a rush, or anxiously, which has posed a problem to my digestion.
He suggested to me an exercise I’ve still yet to try called the Water half full project (okay, I admit, I gave it that name).
Supposedly, you draw a diagram of a glass a water and fill it halfway up with water. Label the water with everything you have in life.
I’ll keep you updated on my journey. I have high hopes and always look forward to going–in fact, it’s one of the best parts of my week. If you want to follow more closely on a day to day basis, I suggest you follow me on Instagram, and subscribe to the blog on the sidebar!——>
Do you go to therapy? Why do you think there’s stigma against it? If you went to therapy, what would you want to get out of it?