I didn’t get a post up for this Tuesdays. I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I was just too strained and I didn’t have time to write a decent post. As I’m typing this now, I’m trying to finish up my math homework and prove stupid trig identities. Needless to say, this is a very very rushed post. Here’s my life updates in a flash:
Snow melting is one of the grossest outdoor weather there is. You know that humidity and dampness happening in March, when all the snow melts and it just starts raining? And the weather is bipolar? I hate it, but I did manage to somehow drag my arse and do a 10k run in 1 hour 17 seconds!
A recent Question from anonymous on tumblr:
would you say that your relationship with your parents has improved recently?
I’m so sorry I didn’t answer this question sooner! I just didn’t know where to begin and I didn’t have a lot of time.
Our relationship is strained, but because I am getting older, they’ve come to the realization that they can’t change me when I’m fully an adult, so they’re backing down slightly with their forceful nature. I avoid them as much as possible, but, being the wounded human being I am, I completely long to be wanted by somebody, and sometimes in this weakness I cling to my mother a little more than I should.
I don’t know where to begin but there is nothing about me they like. In my eyes, I’m a failure to their creation and I have not honoured the family name because I am that different child unlike all the other children of the world. I don’t do things they want me to do. I do unconventional things sometimes and I make mistakes and I want to be free and silly—I want to do all the things I was never allowed to do. My father despises me in a much more forceful manner than my mother, but I am just “too much”. I am a burden to my mother—I can see it in the way she furrows her eyes at me.
A part of me clings to them because I also need financial aid, and because I walk the earth feeling unsupported emotionally too. I’ve pretty much accepted their contempt towards me, even though it hurts.
I’m looking very much forward to college/university life. I hope I find someone who wants me as much as I want them and I hope I feel valued and secure.
Abs like to play peek-a-boo in the mornings and disappear at night, but that’s normal for everyone, right? Ever since being on keto-paleo, I’ve lost around 15 ish pounds and I’ve never been this lean. It’s amazing to see and I’m really happy with the progress. I’m playing with the idea of reverse dieting, or reverse carbing just to experiment because I’m curious as to how my body will respond, but at the same time, I ask myself, “what benefit could I possibly get from doing that?”
Idea in progress. What’s your take?
…and my weekend low…
All I wanted
Was to be wanted.
I realize this now, as I sit here on my bed, being repulsed by my friends, mother, and father. I am a burden. I am an option, I am the wallflower nobody cares about. I ask for too much. I’m too needy. I try hard to please and am quick to defend. All I wanted to to be accepted. All I wanted was to just feel like I’m worth something to someone. All I wanted was for someone to want me as much as I want them.
All I wanted was to not feel empty inside and wake up void of emotions. All wanted was to have someone to look forward to seeing and not go about life feeling dead inside. All I wanted was the connection.
All I wanted was to be wanted.
What happened was, I woke up wanting to run but something about being in the house had a discerning atmosphere(I don’t know if I’m using that term eight), as if even the very thought of exercising was a crime, so i ended up not running though I longed to. I told myself it’s okay—that it’s hard to get a decent split with snow on the ground anyway, and I ate breakfast.
Something about weekends and something about being home feels like a prison. I felt depressed within an hour of waking and found myself curled up in a chair, staring into empty space feeling hollow. I asked my mother if we were going shopping today, and if so, when. It ended up in an argument with me retreating and giving up two sentences in because I knew where it was going, but soon after my father chimed in to yell at me, knowing very well that it would make things worse and what angers me is his lust to destroy—to destroy me.
Long story short I spent the entire day sobbing, drowning in my own emotions and took it out on food. I binged and ate foods I would never eat. I panicked and got mad at myself and felt hopeless, and I wished i could disappear and wished i could restart the day and wished i could smack their faces and wake them up and tell them how much pain they cause me.
Eventually I couldn’t take the anxiety anymore. I went down to the basement and sweat out everything that hurt me. I jumped and lunged and kicked for a good 45 minutes and I feel so much better. You really are one workout away from a good mood.
At this point I’m going to finish off the day with some much needed yoga and then study. I sincerely wish I had someone to talk to in real life that would embrace me and want me an understand me and all my mess.
Onto happier eats:
Trying to pack in some extra omega-3’s in here by eating fish. I don’t typically like regular fish steamed and cooked, but Turbot fish is an exception. I don’t know how much omega 3’s are in this one serving but one of my main concerns is to make sure I get more anti-inflammatory polyunsaturated fats to help heal my hormone imbalance(and just have great health overall) and I realized that eating animal fats contains a lot more omega 6’s than 3’s, even more so if you’re eating commercial-style, grain fed meats like me. Grain-fed animals have more omega 6’s due to their diet, not to mention many are injected with hormones and antibodies to fatten them up. It’s the diet I unfortunately have; we shop at local Chinese supermarkets because it’s extra cheap and I can’t afford to go to whole foods at all that often. So to counter that imbalance, I try to eat more omega 3’s through Fish(I don’t know any other way really). If you’re new to Turbot fish, I highly highly highly suggest you give it a try. No, I demand it. Here’s one super quick, super simple recipe:
Out of all bloggers, don’t you think I have the oddest eats? I mean, last time I had baked oyster and and even beef liver. I eat pork bone marrow and now my favourite thing is pork tail. It tastes much like pork feet in that they have the same skin and fat layers and it’s deli—SOOOOO GOOD. <—I’ve run out of words to replace delicious. I need a thesaurus but I ain’t got time to search up new words at past bedtime.
Parsley, Shrimp, Curry, Coconut, clam…ahh, the combination was great. Don’t you love it when you experiment with food and find the perfect combination of everything that just perfects the recipe?
Maybe next time I’ll post the recipe up for this.
I told ya this was going to be a brief post. In fact, so brief, I just might have to switch out my next #LIPlinkup post on December 5th with a non-personal, lengthy post on wellness or exercise with today’s instead(the blog hop will still be live on that day, it’s just the type of post I have on may or may not be switched. I don’t know at this point–I still want to be consistent so I might not do the 180 switcharoo!)
I want to leave you with an exciting event I’m hosting in December! Lookout for the next post for future details.
Have you ever tried Turbot Fish?
What are you go-to sources of Omega 3’s?
Have you ever experimented with your diet? How did you go about doing that?