Night of Tears, and Applying for Juilliard

I spent last Friday night in tears, just sobbing on my bed as I tried to pour my grief into trigonometry. Stupid. Stupid, trigonometry. I coudnt solve the question, which agitated me even more and I gave up and threw myself on the bed and curled into a ball and hoped the world would swallow me whole.

My friend who said she’d help me film my audition tape to Julliard bailed out on me last minute when it was due just the day after, December 1st. I didn’t have an alternative, she was my one and only shot into the school I dreamed of going to since grade 9. I was so distraught that I fell into a depressive episode, considering withdrawing from auditioning completely. I knew my parents would secretly rejoice if I told them, so I didn’t.

“My friend who said she’d help me film my audition piece bailed on me last minute! …Two friends have done this to me now and I simply give up…

I’m heartbroken. I dont have a quality camera. I’m so sad that they don’t value me and that they played with their words when I thought they meant what they said. Truly, I am beginning to lose trust in everyone in my life. I don’t believe anyone but myself now because nothing gets done unless I do it myself. I don’t know who to trust but myself. I feel so abandoned and angry. I don’t want to speak to them again. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Oh, tomorrow…I don’t want to have a tomorrow. I don’t want to deal with my asshole-father and I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to feel. I want to run far away. I’m hurt.”

rough night.

Rough Night.

I wanted to thank all of you who supported me when my friends couldn’t last night. I had a rough night and woke up with swollen eyes, but I’ll be alright. Thank you so much, you made me cry and I love you all!”

The next day I woke up to a bunch of messages and comments on tumblr that melted my heart. I cried and I thought hard about withdrawing. About filming. I emailed my guidance counselor and texted the 1st friend who bailed on me back in early November one last time as a last resort and begged her to help me. I went for an unexpectedly long 11k run and came back feeling empowered and more optimistic. At this point I started thinking about the positives of not going to Juilliard, and I tried seeing it as an opportunity.

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Maybe it would be better to stay in Canada, where it’d be less costly and I can complete my CSNN course and become a holistic nutritionist whilst studying acting at Windsor or York University. Maybe I wouldn’t have made it anyway, because let’s face it–what are the odds of becoming one of those 8 they accept annually into their drama division? Surely I wouldn’the made it. And maybe it’d be better nor going because their program is much too laborious and stressful, and I won’t have a “college kid experience” and find some joy in life. Gosh, at a program like Juilliardx I wouldn’t have a life!

A part of me still clung to the idea of applying like a kid clinging to his mom on the first day of school, and yet another part of me–perhaps the wiser, or perhaps the pessimistic part, said to just “f**k it.” I thought about all of this while I ran. It was of of those brokenhearted runs.

endomondo 11 kilometers

11 Kilometers.

“Amazing, amazing, amazing run.

Started off at a decent pace and got into the groove. Wanted to aim for 12 kilometers, but the lack of places to go cut it short to 11 kilometers(but felt like my legs still had more in them!), which is fine because all I wanted was to get used to running longer than 10 kilometres now that I’ve conquered that. I am so happy I ran today because last night I had a rough night. I cried because Danka bailed on me to film my Julliard application which is due in 2 days. Despite this, last night My sleep was pretty good, but I wasn’t sure when I woke up if I was up for running today. I woke up feeling pessimistic and dull and really low and could have easily skip this workout. I am so, so, so grateful and proud that I didn’t give in. I told myself that I’d regret not running, and just to at least head out the door for a 5k instead of a 10 if I started crying halfway, I didn’t promise myself sprint intervals in between to boost my pace and increase intensity because I didn’t want to put too much expectation on myself. My hopes were at an all-time low.

Post Run Selfie

Post Run Selfie. So proud.

But I am surprised to say that by kilometer 5 I could feel myself having the heart to go faster, which is fantastic because around kilometers 6-8 is when I usually hit the wall on a 10 kilometer run. It really goes to show that you really are one workout away from a good mood and you can make yourself proud! I don’t regret this run at all, and the next time I don’t feel like working out I’ll just do it! Because the feeling I have right now is beyond anything anyone can give me and I can’t stop smiling.

Was this the best run that I’ve ever had speed wise or intensity wise? Far from it. But I feel nonetheless happier, more peaceful and grounded and just so proud.”

One run. And I fall in love with the world again.”

…and I don’t I regret a single step. It was a much needed run to direct my energy into a useful outlet. I came home and checked my email to see this response from my guidance counsellor:

email

Email from my Guidance Counselor.

I have the best guidance counsellor in the world. He cares about me more than anyone else in the world and I have cried in his office and he really is the best man in the world. I wish he was my father. I vow this Christmas, and for many more to come, to get him something special to show my appreciation, and to continue talking to him. He feels much like an uncle to me. His kindness goes beyond any other and I can’t stop saying good things about him.

At this point I wasn’t sure where to go on for the audition. I had 1 day left.

Eventually I got a text from the first friend who bailed saying she felt really bad and she’d help me quickly film if she could scrounge up some time in the evening. I felt so relieved and grateful she did this for me! I have the application videos which I just sent tonight, being the day before the deadline(would anyone like to see them?) and now all is much more peaceful as I just wait for a reply from Juilliard. If they like it, they’ll tell me to go down to New York for a live audition. And if not, then I’m completely fine to let it go. My heart feels at rest knowing that I did what I could, and the outcome has nothing on me now since I tried.

Desperate times calls for desperate measures–do you agree? How far is considered too far?

Have you ever seen Juilliard on the inside or passed by(NYC readers out there?)?

Has a run ever made me feel better?

a link up with Amanda, Jenn, Becky, Heather, Erin, and Katie.



  • Kate

    Oh lord – please go to therapy, girl. I know you’ll just delete this comment, but still. You need serious, serious help.

  • Linda, Life is going to continually throw wrenches in your system to test your strength. Crying a phenomenal way of getting out your aggravation, but I am so glad you picked yourself up and got what you wanted. Friends will come and go, so you need to be your own best friend, because you cannot leave yourself 😉

    I am sorry your friend(s) bailed on you, and you will definitely encounter this a lot in life. Be prepared 😉 – Especially in the industry you want to get into!!

    ALSO – SCREW TRIGGG!!! To be completely honest: I DO NOT REMEMBER VERY MANY CLASSES FROM HIGH SCHOOL OR COLLEGE – LOL – I do however remember crying from frustration though, and now that I look back, I realized those tears were shed for NO REASON! The only classes I remember are the ones that I use DAILY – like journalism! 😉 So while it’s great to try and do your best, do NOT beat yourself up over it!!!! Just go for another run – ha ha!

  • Janelle @ Wholly Healthy

    You know what? Life has a really funny way of working itself out. Sometimes things that seem like they just won’t work do, and sometimes things don’t work out and it feels like the end of the world but it gets you on a path doing something that makes you even happier.

  • Kelly @ Leafy Not Beefy

    Just stumbled across your blog… I’m glad you were able to get the audition taped and can rest knowing you did all you could and leave it at that. Your guidance counselor sounds like a very caring man. I’m sorry your relationship with your father isn’t good and that your friends bailed on you…I know it really really hurts! I’ve found that often times family and friends will reject or betray us, and I am so grateful that I have a heavenly father who never does. I hope the waiting period until you hear back from Julliard isn’t too hard!

  • LeAnne @Thisismyfaster

    I’m glad you were able to get the tape in. Regardless of the outcome don’t lose faith in how talented you are 🙂

  • Angela @ HonestlyAngela

    So glad you ended up auditioning for julliard! Having someone cancel on you isn’t a good reason to not go after your dreams. Let us know when you hear back!

  • I felt for you reading every word of this post. I have struggled to let go of dreams and try to realize the opportunity that lay within it and have also used many a workout to drag myself out of a funk. I am so happy that your friend finally pulled through for you to film your audition….at least now you can submit it and and if you get accepted then it was meant to be and if for some reason you don’t, it could just be the universe steering you in a better direction with more opportunities. That is how I have always looked at life and though it has been hard to accept through the heartache, I also find a sense of peace in it. PS. Way to rock your run! I think running is the best way to sort it all out 🙂

  • I am so sorry that your friend initially bailed on you! You have an awesome guidance counselor, and I’m so glad that it worked out and that you got to send in your application videos after all! I know what you mean about being happier with being able to give something a shot–whether or not it works out, at least you gave it your all! _> Twas a terrible time!

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  • Anon

    WTF is this blog? I hate when people cry and they’re not even trying. Trig – SOHCAHTOA, get help from your teacher, get help from your friends, and if it’s really that difficult, maybe your school underestimated your intelligence and put you in a class that you cannot handle and you should be moved down to a lower level class. Submitting an application the evening before it’s due and not getting in is no surprise to me. I grew up with a tiger mom and maybe it’s just my personal strength, but I managed to do fine without getting over emotional about everything. Honestly, just suck it up and if you hate your parents that much, move out. They obviously care about you somewhat if they’re paying for your braces and the vanity of having straight teeth. GROW UP.