I spent last Friday night in tears, just sobbing on my bed as I tried to pour my grief into trigonometry. Stupid. Stupid, trigonometry. I coudnt solve the question, which agitated me even more and I gave up and threw myself on the bed and curled into a ball and hoped the world would swallow me whole.
My friend who said she’d help me film my audition tape to Julliard bailed out on me last minute when it was due just the day after, December 1st. I didn’t have an alternative, she was my one and only shot into the school I dreamed of going to since grade 9. I was so distraught that I fell into a depressive episode, considering withdrawing from auditioning completely. I knew my parents would secretly rejoice if I told them, so I didn’t.
“My friend who said she’d help me film my audition piece bailed on me last minute! …Two friends have done this to me now and I simply give up…
I’m heartbroken. I dont have a quality camera. I’m so sad that they don’t value me and that they played with their words when I thought they meant what they said. Truly, I am beginning to lose trust in everyone in my life. I don’t believe anyone but myself now because nothing gets done unless I do it myself. I don’t know who to trust but myself. I feel so abandoned and angry. I don’t want to speak to them again. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Oh, tomorrow…I don’t want to have a tomorrow. I don’t want to deal with my asshole-father and I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to feel. I want to run far away. I’m hurt.”
“I wanted to thank all of you who supported me when my friends couldn’t last night. I had a rough night and woke up with swollen eyes, but I’ll be alright. Thank you so much, you made me cry and I love you all!”
The next day I woke up to a bunch of messages and comments on tumblr that melted my heart. I cried and I thought hard about withdrawing. About filming. I emailed my guidance counselor and texted the 1st friend who bailed on me back in early November one last time as a last resort and begged her to help me. I went for an unexpectedly long 11k run and came back feeling empowered and more optimistic. At this point I started thinking about the positives of not going to Juilliard, and I tried seeing it as an opportunity.
Maybe it would be better to stay in Canada, where it’d be less costly and I can complete my CSNN course and become a holistic nutritionist whilst studying acting at Windsor or York University. Maybe I wouldn’t have made it anyway, because let’s face it–what are the odds of becoming one of those 8 they accept annually into their drama division? Surely I wouldn’the made it. And maybe it’d be better nor going because their program is much too laborious and stressful, and I won’t have a “college kid experience” and find some joy in life. Gosh, at a program like Juilliardx I wouldn’t have a life!
A part of me still clung to the idea of applying like a kid clinging to his mom on the first day of school, and yet another part of me–perhaps the wiser, or perhaps the pessimistic part, said to just “f**k it.” I thought about all of this while I ran. It was of of those brokenhearted runs.
“Amazing, amazing, amazing run.
Started off at a decent pace and got into the groove. Wanted to aim for 12 kilometers, but the lack of places to go cut it short to 11 kilometers(but felt like my legs still had more in them!), which is fine because all I wanted was to get used to running longer than 10 kilometres now that I’ve conquered that. I am so happy I ran today because last night I had a rough night. I cried because Danka bailed on me to film my Julliard application which is due in 2 days. Despite this, last night My sleep was pretty good, but I wasn’t sure when I woke up if I was up for running today. I woke up feeling pessimistic and dull and really low and could have easily skip this workout. I am so, so, so grateful and proud that I didn’t give in. I told myself that I’d regret not running, and just to at least head out the door for a 5k instead of a 10 if I started crying halfway, I didn’t promise myself sprint intervals in between to boost my pace and increase intensity because I didn’t want to put too much expectation on myself. My hopes were at an all-time low.
But I am surprised to say that by kilometer 5 I could feel myself having the heart to go faster, which is fantastic because around kilometers 6-8 is when I usually hit the wall on a 10 kilometer run. It really goes to show that you really are one workout away from a good mood and you can make yourself proud! I don’t regret this run at all, and the next time I don’t feel like working out I’ll just do it! Because the feeling I have right now is beyond anything anyone can give me and I can’t stop smiling.
Was this the best run that I’ve ever had speed wise or intensity wise? Far from it. But I feel nonetheless happier, more peaceful and grounded and just so proud.”
“One run. And I fall in love with the world again.”
…and I don’t I regret a single step. It was a much needed run to direct my energy into a useful outlet. I came home and checked my email to see this response from my guidance counsellor:
I have the best guidance counsellor in the world. He cares about me more than anyone else in the world and I have cried in his office and he really is the best man in the world. I wish he was my father. I vow this Christmas, and for many more to come, to get him something special to show my appreciation, and to continue talking to him. He feels much like an uncle to me. His kindness goes beyond any other and I can’t stop saying good things about him.
At this point I wasn’t sure where to go on for the audition. I had 1 day left.
Eventually I got a text from the first friend who bailed saying she felt really bad and she’d help me quickly film if she could scrounge up some time in the evening. I felt so relieved and grateful she did this for me! I have the application videos which I just sent tonight, being the day before the deadline(would anyone like to see them?) and now all is much more peaceful as I just wait for a reply from Juilliard. If they like it, they’ll tell me to go down to New York for a live audition. And if not, then I’m completely fine to let it go. My heart feels at rest knowing that I did what I could, and the outcome has nothing on me now since I tried.
Desperate times calls for desperate measures–do you agree? How far is considered too far?
Have you ever seen Juilliard on the inside or passed by(NYC readers out there?)?
Has a run ever made me feel better?