What Is Wrong With Me?

A link up with Amanda.

Recently I’ve been feeling sad.

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Actually, not recently. It’s been like this for many, many years and it’s never changed, no matter how much I try. I am lonely. I am broke. I am just a little girl with big, hopeless dreams. I go somewhere to have fun and get bored of it within minutes. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy and live life? Why can’t I just appreciate things in the present, instead of worrying about the future and feeling angry and sad with the past? Why can’t I get a job after applying to 50 places in the past 2 years while my friends get hired after just 2 weeks of searching? Heck, why can’t I just win lotto 649, move out of this stupid house with my stupid so-called “parents”, and pay for all my post secondary fees that my parents refuse to support, and live life without worrying about bankruptcy? Why can’t I just rid of everything toxic in life and live happily? Oh wait, I would have to rid of myself then, since I even make myself sick.

Why why why why? What is going on with me? Why can’t I be like other people, happy, and free? Why do I stand in the shadow as everyone dances in the light?

These are the thoughts running through my head on a daily basis. I see it in the way I carry myself. Heavy, filled with running thoughts, worrying, calculating, thinking and planning. Never feeling like I’ve done enough, and I don’t know why. I see it in the way my friends never chase me down, but it’s always me chasing them down to hang out. I am just an option. I am a wallflower.

I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I wish these feelings would go away so I can finally feel at ease with myself. I’m sick(literally too), and tired of this and I don’t know what to do.

So what’s it going to take? How long do I have to endure this? What do I have to do??


 

  • I’ve been really sad lately (since Friday) and lets be honest, I have had sadness since…. A certain someone entered my life, because it’s been a rollercoaster. But Friday was the tipping point after an event occurred. What keeps me out of the slump of sadness for the most part is surrounding myself with loved ones, doing what I love and WORKING OUT!! Working out is seriously key. I haven’t gone to the gym yet, so I kind of feel like crying right now, but when I am done working out, I am going to feel so much better, I know it! 🙂 XO – Love youuuuu!!

    • Gigi! What the the the happened? 🙁 So sorry that happened, but judging by your videos I would’ve never guess something like that happened. You’re always cheerful and funny, it makes me sad to hear that this week has been bad.

      • Isn’t that funny! I made my most recent video 12 hours after the CRAP that went down, and I still put on a happy face! ha ha! 😉 That’s because even though I am so sad and heart broken, I know life will go on and that my family still loves me 🙂

  • Linda?
    You need to listen to me….
    What you are feeling is NOT normal, OK? Seriously consider seeing a doc. Some people really do need meds to get them out of a funk like this, and it’s OK. I’m going to follow up with you missy! I want you to be happy!! You’re an incredible girl with huge dreams!! I love that about you!! Keep your chin up, you do so much and are worth SO much!!

    • I don’t want medication because I don’t believe in prescribed pills; but they only thing they can do for me is refer me to a counsellor and/or prescribe pills. I don’t think either would help; the only way to get through this is to find out an opening for myself, whether that be from moving out, traveling, meditation,….etc. etc. But I’m stuck because I have tried all the things I could possibly try and nothing has worked, or maybe, I haven’t stuck to them long enough.

  • So sorry you’re feeling this way Linda. Please remember that for each unpleasant person in your life, you have so many more friends that care for you and wish you the best. Really hope you feel better soon!

  • Linda you don’t have to feel this way. There are many ways to get help out there and there is nothing wrong with needing help. Please go see your doctor and chat about your options. You deserve to be happy and you can.
    Confessions of A Mother Runner

  • Chaitali Shah

    Hi, Linda. I just came over to your blog from the comment on my plantain post and I just wanted to comment on this to agree with Deborah and the Gist of Fit below. You don’t have to feel this way and it makes sense to seek help. If you had persistent stomach pains or a headache that was so bad it was affecting your quality of life, you would go to a doctor, right? This shouldn’t be any different. Medical problems that last so long and affect you so much should be treated. I hope that you find happiness!

    • I’ve seen a doctor, but what they did was refer me to a therapist at a walk in clinic and prescribe pills. None of which helped!

  • Hungry_Healthy_Happy

    You really should go speak to a doctor about this. I am here to talk as well if you want – just send me an email!
    I can totally relate to not living in the present though, it is not a fun way to be.

  • [email protected] Love & Ice Cream!

    This makes me so sad to read this! No one should feel this way! There is help for you out there! Make yourself a priority and take care of yourself because you deserve it! I know we’re new friends but I’m here – and I’m thinking of you!! 🙂

  • purelytwins

    sorry to hear that you are having sad feelings! we know exactly what you are feeling, as we have and still sometimes get those days where we question everything. like right now with Michelle’s skin issues, we question it all the time and get sad – why this is happening to her. just know that you will get through it. keep your head up. one quote that we tell ourselves everyday to get through tough times is — God only gives his strongest soldiers the toughest battles. hang in there sweetie!! xoxo

  • This post saddens me to no end. You can be happy and do what ever you need to do to make that your reality. You must fight!!! Fight hard!!!! #wowlinkup

  • Ashley @ KickAshMom.com

    I’ve had ups and downs since I was 14. It’s hard. Especially when you know you have things to be thankful for but you just don’t feel it. I get stuck in a What’s the Point type of mentality that’s really hard to get out of. I have to keep myself busy and I have to keep focusing on a goal. Have you ever watched or read the secret? It’s a great book and the documentary is on Netflix. I’ve been searching and searching for a cure for my feelings are what I’ve found so far is that 1. they will pass. and 2. I must find something, anything, big or small to work towards or look forward to. You can do anything and be anything you want to be.

    • You know exactly how I feel! I ought to be thankful for a lot of things but at the same time there are a lot of real shitty things happening too.

  • V

    Hey Girl! I have never read your blog before and I ended up here from another blog but wow this really post really hit me! You’re young and beautiful and have everything in front of you. I understand what it’s like to feel hopeless, anxious and under pressure. I’ve been in that place where everything is centered around running and counting and numbers. It’s awful when you feel like everyone else is living a better life, but as I started to become more free I realised most people feel the same. As I opened up to friends about certain things it became apparent that they too felt anxious and sad at times in their lives. I don’t know if it means anything to you but I’m going to pray for you because Jesus freed me of what I was a slave to in my own mind and He can do the same for you. Keep you head up and don’t feel ashamed to ask for help. My mum is a counselor and it actually feels so great to unload your thoughts on to someone who knows how to deal with them. Also, don’t put pressure on yourself that you should feel a certain way just accept the feelings you feel but say ‘this is my journey and I’ll walk through it’. I know it is cliche but everything takes time. Stay strong lovely!

    God Bless

    – V

  • So sorry to hear that you’re going through all this, Linda 🙁 I don’t want to give you any overly specific advice since I don’t know all of what you’re going through, but I will say that we all go through downer periods like this, and that while we can’t necessarily change the circumstances in our lives, we can do our best to change our outlook on things, and how we treat ourselves personally. Be kind to yourself. Forgiving. Don’t demand perfection. Focus on the blessings. Learn from the challenges. Every struggle is an opportunity to grow — just don’t give up <3

  • I know that I’m new on here, but I want you to know that everything WILL be ok. Everytime I feel sad and frustrated I always remember that life isn’t supposed to be perfect. Life is a rollercoaster. We have our ups and then we have our downs. If life was all ups it wouldn’t be fun and you wouldn’t enjoy those great moments. Main message: life will get better. You have to hold on and keep working hard for what you want. Eventually, you will be happy 🙂

  • Have you been to see a therapist? I was experience the same feelings for a long time, and turned out I was suffering from a mild depression. I would highly suggest trying to find one! Even if it turns out it’s nothing that serious, it is awesome to have someone to talk to and teach you strategies to deal with those lows.

    • I used to go to drop-in counselling but my mother stopped investing her time in that kind of stuff and with that I sort of stopped as well. 🙁 I think I’m on the wait list.

  • Therapy is great. A mild anti-anxiety/depressant can really help you get back on your feet and thinking positively.
    Have you tried diet and exercise? Endorphins from working out can really work wonders. Even a little yoga shesh can just relax you.
    Do things that make you happy, even it’s for only a few minutes. Living on your own takes time, focus on a little at a time and it’ll happen 🙂

    • I follow a good diet and I do yoga and rnoderately. It’s been helping, but exercise isn’t going to fix the problem itself as much as it helps!

  • Heather @ Housewife Glamour

    Aw, I’m so sorry to hear this. BUT please know that you aren’t alone in these types of feelings. I have also endured a bit of a struggle ever since my husband and I moved up north two years ago. We are away from family, life long friends, in freezing (and often depressing) weather, and have barely gotten to know anyone outside of our jobs. It can get pretty lonely! I have played the questioning game (why me, why now, why did things have to change), as I’m sure we all have, but over time I have realized that you are dealt the cards you get for a reason. Life is tricky, and it certainly isn’t always butterflies in rainbows. The one thing I don’t love about blogging is that people can come across as being perfect. In reality, everyone goes through their own ups and downs, but you don’t always hear about the “bad” stuff. So most skip over it and to the outside eye, that person who may be having trouble seems like the happiest person alive. I like to keep the tone of my blog very positive, but I’m also real. Everyone goes through stages in their life where they aren’t sure exactly what they are “supposed” to be doing of what their life will turn out to be. Don’t stress!

    Things that help me get out of a funk include going for runs, working out, reading books (especially about self-love!), catch up with friends either in person or on the phone, and treat myself to something like a pedicure or massage.

    Please remember that we all go through our own issues. You aren’t alone, and it will get better. Focus on what you DO love about your life and like a lot of other people have suggested, maybe seek out a therapist? It can’t hurt!

    Sending lots of love and positive vibes your way. <3

    • You’re a sweetheart! I run and workout to help with these feelings too. Do you have any books on happiness and self love you could suggest me?

      • Heather @ Housewife Glamour

        I am currently reading “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown. It’s about embracing who you are and letting go of who you think you are supposed to be. She is a professional speaker and researcher on shame and travels all over the US leading discussions on the toxic habits we fall into as well as what we aren’t doing to be our happiest selves. I love it and the message and can relate to everything she talks about. I think you would really enjoy and benefit from the read! <3
        http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/159285849X/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

  • Aw, thanks Beebe. Chinese-Americans/Canadians are so straight and strict…it’s so frustrating.

  • Thanks! All I wanted as a kid was to read about people with perspectives I could relate to. I think it’s something a lot of Asian Ams are hungry for–we want to share and we’re capable… So why do I still feel so under-represented? Grr

  • Markita @SweshFit

    I appreciate your honesty, but I agree with everyone else that you should really seek someone to speak with. I hope you feel better girl…do something to make yourself feel special.

    • I’ve been going to a walk-in clinic but I’ve stopped going for a long time. Maybe I’ll start that up again to see how it goes.

  • I can’t add anything else to what people have said but what you are feeling everyone goes through this. Don’t be fooled thinking everybody has it together, we all have our up and downs It is how we deal with it and overcome them, that is the most important thing. #wowlinkup

  • Jennifer Williams

    I currently run, use natural light and use essential oils to fight these same issues. Unfortunately I am unable to run at the moment due to an injury so I am going back down hill. I am hoping to heal before I go to far down and end back up on meds because I prefer the natural approach. I hope you find something that works for you soon.

  • I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. I can’t give you any advice; but I agree with what a lot of others are saying: you’re NOT alone, it’s NOT you, and it’s NOT something that will magically be fixed in a day or so. If it’s any comfort at all, know that I have been through the same period in my life before as you are going through at the moment – I have yet to find a remedy, as I still have these kinds of thoughts sometimes and often have to wait for them to pass, or preoccupy myself in the process. Just know that you’re in my thoughts and I pray the absolute best for you, Linda. You’ll get through this, I know you will. <3

  • Aw, Hayden, you shouldn’t have to feel this way as I do. I’ve drifted away from God but hoping I’ll come back some day. It’s hard to believe in him when you feel like he’s not doing anything for you.

  • Ali

    I am a social worker in the mental health field. I see you say that going to see a therapist “doesn’t work” I wonder how long you were seeing the therapist and why you feel it “doesn’t work” or “won’t work.” I would suggest you try again maybe with a different therapist or counselor (everyone has there own style so sometimes its about finding the one that you work well with) and giving it a serious try. Sometimes we do something called “help rejecting” where we refuse the help that is offered to us which can happen for many reasons such as not wanting to accept sometimes we need help or perhaps getting attention for the problem and (un)consciously thinking we wont get attention anymore if we don’t have that problem. Again, I strongly encourage you to not give up on counseling or therapy.

  • Julie

    i believe in you!

  • Sophie G

    Enough with the counseling and medication. Look into this book: “The Instinct to Heal. Curing Stress, Anxiety, and Depression without Drugs and Without Talk Therapy” by David Servan-Schreiber, M.D., PH.D.

    Make sure your Vitamin D levels are ok. Also…make sure to get your Omega 3s.
    “The findings from existing studies suggest that in order to obtain an antidepressant effect, one must consume between 1 and 10 grams per fay of the combination of DHA and EPA – the two forms of Omega-3s commonly found in fish oil […] it is most likely the EPA that has an antidepressant effect and that too much DHA may actually block the effect, requiring higher doses of the combined oil than if the product is more concentrated with EPA […] pure DHA supplement had no effect against depression […] Products with a very high EPA concentration (at least seven times more EPA than DHA) may requires only 1 gram per day of EPA.” (Servan-Schreiber, pg. 141)

    I don’t know you – but I feel your pain, because I’ve been clinically depressed for MANY years. Some days/weeks/months are better than others, but in general, it’s been shitty. I send you lots of love and hugs…and some more advice: be with the people who make you happy and don’t stress you. Get rid of people who hurt you even if they don’t know they are hurting you. Do things that make you happy. Don’t do things because someone else thinks you should. Do things for others. Bake a cake and bring it to someone. Go for a walk in the woods – out in the sun. Read a fantastic book. Lastly…don’t stress over things you have absolutely no control over – like the job situation. I was there and am still sort of in that situation. It’ll happen when it happens. Keep trying, but give yourself a break as well.

    <3

    I've been doing a lot of research on depression and related issues and if you ever want to chat about that or anything else, e-mail me.

    • Thank you so much for the suggestions! I’m trying to get more omega threes in my diet through supplements and fish. 🙂

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