Food Anxiety + Diet Perfectionism…

On April 2nd I had the opportunity to go to The Toronto Yoga Show 2017! It was UBER FUN OMG.

yoga show 2017

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I met some great new vendors, brands, and people and it was so nice to be a part of a community that is passionate about the woo-woo side of life–that is, believing in spirituality, energy, chakras, and health-conscious individuals.

yoga show 2017

I had a great time chatting and sampling and chatting and well…let’s just say that 90% of the time was spent sampling.

yoga show 2017

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I had a great time overall, but it didn’t come without the drawbacks along the way, as much fun as it was.

yoga show sampling

One thing I know about myself is my tendency to always work, work work, and try to be perfect. The perfect student, the perfect performer (I’m an acting major), do the perfect workout, have the perfect diet, take the perfect commute…and it gets exhausting. Really, really exhausting. A lot of times I think I’m totally paralyzed by the need to want to execute a task with high success, but end up not doing it at all because I am scared I won’t get it right. That’s the all-or-nothing personality I have inside of me that I’m trying to change. A part of me says, if you can’t do it right, then why bother? Another part of me says, “you have to get it done.” I get really anxious in anticipation for tests, long runs, push days. Instead of being so results-oriented, I need to focus on the process and be okay with just making even 20, 40, 70% progress. It’s better to do that than not to do the task at all. Actually, procrastination only aggravates my anxiety.

me anxious

I follow a keto-paleo diet and find it beneficial for mood, energy, and aesthetics (and it’s really helped a lot in dealing with my anxiety–I highly recommend it!) I have a morning routine, evening routine, and cultivated my own plans for productivity. I can’t deny that I’m a person of habit. I enjoy having a schedule, knowing exactly what to expect, and plopping down at the end of the day to determine whether or not it’s been a good day depending on how much of my plan I followed through. Granted, life tends to throw curveballs and I’ve heard the saying, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

He’s laughing then, because my whole life is a joke.

I have a regime for food and exercise too. I’ve talked about exercise guilt in the past, and nutrition has been no different. They often go hand in hand; often when I fall off track, I feel terribly guilty.

And miserable. And fat.

yoga show indian food

On a physiological level due to poor food choices (energy crash, irritability, etc) I feel bad, but on a psychological level too. The very fact that I knew I ate something I shouldn’t have or binged mentally puts me in a bad place, almost like a placebo effect, this is especially true when I overeat.

Social events have been a pet peeve of mine. I always long to have social connections but at the same I’m scared that it interrupts my daily routine. This yoga show for example, took place the entire day (so I was not adhering to my daily routine) and what’s worse is that it had so many food samples. I was excited to try everything and yet scared because of the possibility of me not sticking to my diet, that alone made me very nervous. Fear of missing out had me opting for the no-so-great food samples. I ended up trying everything!

Somewhere along the way I felt my stomach in pain, my heart beating fast, and my mind begin to spin. Thoughts filled my head:

“OH MY GOD. Now you’ve done it.”

“Now you’ve blown it.”

“The whole day is ruined! The whole week! You were doing so well with nutrition…WTF happened?! Where is the self control? YOU EVEN BROUGHT YOUR OWN FOOD!”

I kept smiling and walking around, my pace got faster and faster as I felt more distraught and nervous. At some point in the whole trip I had to stop, talk my feelings out, calm myself down, and then continue to vlog the event. Was I still a mess? Yes. The rest of the day I actually felt really on edge and panicky.

hikaru and I

Smiling on the outside, panicking on the inside.

Honestly? The whole anxiety isn’t worth it. What I do consistently matters more than what I do once in a while, and just because I had one bad day, or even one bad week of eating doesn’t mean my life is over. Food should never be the obstacle between myself and the world, a world I want more taste out of, a world I’m hungry to explore. What is with this diet perfectionism anyway? What is perfect? Perfectionism drives me to binge instead of stops me when I’m satisfied. Perfectionism holds me back from living life. Perfectionism has me an anxiety-riddled mess the entire time until the end is near. I don’t even remember the entire process–it becomes all a blue because I was so focused on the end-goal that I wasn’t even thinking.

yoga show me crying emotional

I’m not going to pretend that binge eating is over and done with forever in my life. It’s such a neurological habit now, like how a smoker is addicted to tobacco. Food addiction is a real thing, fitties. It’s in these instances where it’s still prevalent, and I have to be careful to exercise self-control, intuitive, and gratitude in place of perfectionism and end-gaining, but I’m so open to helping others out with their diet crazies as a Health/Diet coach. Sometimes, the hardest thing is to hold someone else’s hand, give them support, but somehow you’re unable to do so for yourself. And that’s where I can step in and help out you; I never want you to have to feel this way! IT’S NOT WORTH YOUR TIME OR ENERGY. It’s a waste of time and energy and depletes your joy! Reach out to me at [email protected] for support. :’)

And as for me, I’ll keep you posted on my own personal journey. I have much to say!

 

Do m’fitties ever get anxious around food at social events? Do you have a tendency to binge, overeat, mindlessly snack, or emotionally eat? Do you have a perfectionist mindset, and if so, what regimes do you have?


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