When Life Forces You to Humble Up | Private Diary of an Actress in Training

The “Private Diary of an Actress in Training” series is just that– an intimate series of my thoughts–beautiful and raw and nonsensical at times, coherent and not, completely honest.

Hello m’fitties!

I’ve been more gentle with my workouts since I’ve been sick. I felt like crap! I caught something along the lines of a bug/flu/fever and a cough. I had this phlegm in my chest that wouldn’t go away, this stuffiness in my eyes and when I went to sleep I had hot and cold flashes; as the night progressed on, I got feverish. I must admit, it’s quite a humbling experience when you are unable to to do the things you take solace in, and you realize how you’ve taken it for granted. To be able to walk, to talk, to run are all privileges–there are people in the world that are unable to move at all. I am blessed to be able to do the things I do, and having that self-autonomy taken away briefly was incredibly scary! I was having terrible anxiety the entire day/few days.


selfie sick sad

Needless to say, workouts were very light.

This week I’m feeling a lot better. After my jog today I took a midday nap that ended up being an hour and 15 minutes long. WHAT?! I never do that. I feel mentally refreshed but physically more exhausted than I was post run. How weird is that? Currently, I’m looking at the acting mosaic I have to work on and wanted to push it to the side —>So I rehearsed like 5 minutes of it. Honestly, I hope I can get some juice outta the task later on in the day when I’m feeling more creative.

During my nap, I found myself breathing more. Inhaling, exhaling. I’ve never been so in touch with my breathing–I entered this mental state where I was in a sea of waves, this new consciousness that I could only describe as half awake and half dream. It’s a whole other dimension…and I’d like to visit again. I don’t know how to find the entrance gate again, but I trust that it’ll find me at the right time.

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if we were birds show

if we were birds show

I won’t get into the entire story of it, but I was let go (or “kicked out”, depending on how you see it) of the show that my classmates were in because I missed a rehearsal due to sickness. That’s a story for another day, but what I got out of the process was that I had so much to benefit from from not being in the show. I was blessed with the chance to truly rest up physically and mentally at a time I could not fathom dragging myself through another day. It truly was a blessing and I firmly believe that things happen not TO me, but FOR me. I was sad and even angry at first because I attended all rehearsals and put a lot of work into the process and to be let go just the week before the show was upsetting, but everything happens for a reason.

if we were birds show

Seeing my classmates perform was incredible. They’ve grown so much as artists and not being a part of the ensemble allowed me to witness their growth!

alex and me

I went to see the show with my friend Alex.

The dance exercise we did in class was also pretty scary. When I presented my hip hop routine solo, I found it hard to maintain eye contact (and even when I was, was I really “seeing” my audience?) I also don’t know how to “make it good”, especially simple parts of the choreo. I think I just have to OWN it and sell it! Like yeah, I’m doing the step touch. It’s, but so what! That’s the point. 😀 You wish you were me.

Other things:

  • Character body work still frustrates me. It’s a work in progress that may not reach its peak before evaluations.
  • moving my heard wildly helps in the warmup. I find my falling/gravity.
  • I’m thankful for Nelvin, who is usually open to me during interactions in movement class.

Summer plan:

  • Keep dancing! Learn 1-2 dance routines offa youtube a month. I seriously love dance and I think the pressure of having it being evaluated in an academic setting takes the joy out of it sometimes.
  • Some running-I love running but I really hate summer. I can’t win, haha! I’m gonna get real tan again…it’s crazy how many shades I turn.
  • TRAVEL. PLEASE GOD PLEASE GOD PLEASE GOD PLEASE. I’m looking at Europe and/or the US.

rolayo and me singing

  • Meet strangers–>I want to find local gatherings of people who have a similar passion and do something, like an artist date, or meditation session, a yoga photoshoot, etc etc. Growing social relationships is really important to me because I’m a huge people person, and last year, having gone through a really bad bout of loneliness, I feel I need to connect deeper with a community; with the earth.
  • Self Development group–> Maybe join a book club?
  • Acro Yoga –>This has been on my bucketlist for too long. It’s time.
  • Summer intern job. This would be a nice source of income!
  • Try to get a good balance of daylight and indoor light. I find that if I spend too much in either setting, I go crazy.
  • Continue to journal.
  • Find an ASMR buddy? I’m subscribed to a few youtubers and I love the whispering ear-to-ear ones; they give me the tingles when I fall asleep ^^ But how creepy is it to go up to a friend and be all, “can we do this?!”

Did you get sick this spring/winter season yet? Have you any summer plans?